Mama, put my gun in the ground.

2 min read

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kenet's avatar
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I was always wondering what is pushing me to do stuffs. Always... I mean, why I'm drawing that, and why I'm composing this music.
What for ? What's the thing that making me that productive.

I remember some years ago when I started composing on computers (it was something like 1992 or so) I was able to do something like 3 or 4 musics per weeks. It was an incredible feeling. And the same things happened again when I started to draw.

I remember myself how things were during those years... and ho well... heh. What I can say. I was nothing more than a lonely kid which stay at home, witch don't talk to others. I thing you got the picture already.
I was sad.

Somehow, if I look behind, it was always the same thing that makes me creative. Feelings.

Did you ever tried to make yourself in trouble to get feelings? Did you ever "magnify" a trouble in your life to make it bigger ?
Not to get attention from others… Just to feel hurt inside. To feel the pain that will you make able to create something!
That what I'm doing everyday. I'm not designed to be an happy person :)

Those last days I was trying to draw some things, and nothings really come over. I started a logo some days ago, something really interesting to me. Having fun with texture, matter, shadows, lights… as usual. And yesterday when I tried to continue it, nothing happened
Nothing
I wasn't able to get something from those damn pixels… All the things I was trying was nothing but sh*t. However, two days before it was so easy to get volumes and lights… That's so insane.

As usual when it's happened I feel sic, I feel upset with myself.

And this is it. I'm trying to hurt myself unconsciously… Keeping myself away from people. Talking hardly, stop eating…

I know "it" will be back. But I cannot stay without being productive, that's so hard to stay like that. Without saying to my friends "hey dudes, I did something!". I feel so useless when it come.
When "the" thing come…

The empty white page.
© 2004 - 2024 kenet
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kenet's avatar
Merci pour ton message Sarah... Je crois qu'on à tous ce genre de moment. Et pour tous c'est difficile.
Mais ca passeras oui je sais, c'est juste parfois trop long... :aww:

:hug: